Why Adult Family Therapy Matters: Healing Relationships and Breaking Generational Patterns
- Ana Macaspac
- Apr 2
- 5 min read
A hyperactive child with an anxious parent in the corner. Tense parents bickering, while their concerned children exchange worried glances. Preteen siblings escalating in a yelling match. These may be some of the images that come to mind at the sound of the term “family therapy.”
And in all fairness, these snapshots are certainly accurate from many family therapists’ caseloads. However, an overlooked family therapy option is family therapy with adults—adult children with their parents, adult siblings with one another, or any combination of adult family members. Studies show that unresolved family conflict in adulthood is linked to higher rates of anxiety and depression. Family therapy in adulthood offers a structured way to heal these wounds and improve relationships.
What is adult family therapy, really?
It is true that, traditionally, family therapy looked to address children’s mental health needs. This systemic lens asserted that sustainable change for a child necessitates family members changing as well. While this principle is still at the heart of the Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) field, our view of family therapy need not be so narrow.
Just like my own experience attending therapy with my cousins (all of us in our 20s at the time), I have seen adult siblings, parents, and children benefit from working through family patterns together. Family therapy ought to be defined as thus: the therapeutic exploration and enhancement of family relationships with affected family members present—at any age.
Regardless of our ages or those we lose throughout our lives, we remain someone’s child, someone’s sibling, someone’s parent, someone’s grandchild, etc. These identities will always carry weight, and speak to the work that can be done to heal from often-avoided patterns and ruptures. Family therapy is a space to revisit and repair past or present wounds. It is never too late to seek healthy relationships with those closest to us.
Why not just do individual therapy for my family stuff?
Here’s the thing: a lot of adults seek out individual therapy, but oftentimes their issues are in fact relational issues. And sometimes pain that is created in relationship with others, needs to be healed in relationship with others as well. That is not to say that individual work, especially trauma work, is not a vital part of a person’s journey. However, reorganizing a family’s new way of existing will always be more powerful and sustainable than one individual changing while their family around them remains the same.
Themes to Explore as Adults
Depending on the active adults who join in the therapeutic work, these areas may be worth exploring together:
Relational ruptures from childhood:
What painful or traumatic experiences impacted the children in the family (e.g. substance use, abuse, poverty, mental illness, religious trauma, abandonment, rejection, etc.)?
How were these events handled by the adults in the family?
How was control, protection, emotional attunement, and care provided or lacking?
Existing dynamics:
What do family relationships look like now?
How is conflict handled in the family?
Do family members feel safe expressing emotions?
Boundaries:
What do family members believe about healthy versus unhealthy boundaries?
How much access should family members have to one another?
How heavily should family members be considering one another for important decisions?
Implicit family rules and expectations:
Some examples of implicit family rules may be: we use humor to replace vulnerability; the women in our family sacrifice our own well being for others’; we use substances to avoid; we do not apologize; we defer to the eldest; we take care of our parents/live in multigenerational homes; etc.
How can we make the implicit explicit, and what rules are we willing to negotiate?
What to Expect
Let’s say you get to the point of your adult family members in one room. With a therapist. Here are some dynamics that you can prepare yourself for, or be able to name in the moment:
Parental fragility: Similar to “white fragility,” parental fragility is the concept of parents’ defensiveness when faced with the idea that their parenting was less than perfect. Many parents are rightfully protective of their good intentions and are sensitive to any criticism of what undoubtedly was a sacrificial, I Did the Best I Could experience.
Keep in mind: This is normal when attempting to work with parents in therapy; however, the ability to hold two truths at once (i.e. every parent messes up their kids in some way AND every parent does the best they can with what they have) will be the most productive way forward.
Inner-child activation: Some clinicians use the term “inner child” to refer to an adult’s personification of a younger childhood self. In the case of adult family therapy, especially with one’s family of origin, one may notice themselves reverting to a younger version of themselves (e.g. feeling and behaving like their hurt developmental 7-year-old self, as opposed to their chronological 35-year-old self).
Keep in mind: Be gentle with yourself and others if/when this happens. Family of origin dynamics are extremely powerful, which is why therapy can be an important vehicle for rewiring this coding.
Slow pacing: When working with families, we are often dealing not just with those in the room, but generations of implicit family rules, patterns, and legacies. We are inherently loyal to the ways our families learned to survive, even if those ways no longer serve anyone anymore.
Keep in mind: This work can be frustrating for those reasons. However, even small changes in perspective, accountability-accountability, or insight can be incredibly rewarding for a family to attain.
Asking Your Family to Go to Therapy
Starting the conversation:
Come from a place of longing and desire, not criticism.
Be mindful of your own activation; stay regulated if defenses go up.
Highlight what may be gained for all parties involved.
Remember that, ultimately, all people in therapy have to be motivated to change themselves, not just the others present.
Examples of phrasing the ask:
Say to your parent(s):
“Mama, it’s been so difficult for us the past few years to figure out how to be close while also respecting each other’s autonomy. I can’t help but feel like our relationship is so loaded, in spite of there being so much love. What if we committed to consistent time and space to help our relationship feel more balanced for both of us?”
Say to your sibling(s):
“We went through so much the last few years in losing our parents, and are the only people who really know what that felt like for us. I would love to grieve and work through what we lost together.”
Say to your parent and/or grandparent:
“Dad, you and grandpa are a huge part of my story. With my own child on the way, I want to be able to make intentional decisions as a parent that can end these patterns we have accepted as normal. What do you think about exploring that with me?”
Taking the Next Step
In a culture that normalizes avoidance and cut-offs from others, it takes incredible courage and strength to take the first step in starting family therapy as adults. It may be some of the toughest therapeutic work to engage in; it may also be the most healing of all.
Waterloo Therapy Group is a practice exclusively built of trained family therapists. We are passionate about familial connection and relational growth. If you are ready to start family therapy, schedule a free 15-minute consultation with one of our available therapists here.
Comments